


Top Banana

by bob_fish, enemytosleep



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist
Genre: Bananas, Comedy, M/M, Oh No They Didn't, Porn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-06-17
Updated: 2010-06-17
Packaged: 2017-10-14 17:01:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/151490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bob_fish/pseuds/bob_fish, https://archiveofourown.org/users/enemytosleep/pseuds/enemytosleep
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Roy gets a promotion and Maes helps him celebrate in a night neither will never forget. </p>
            </blockquote>





	Top Banana

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Cornerofmadness](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cornerofmadness/gifts).



Why didn't anyone tell him about the paperwork? He might not have signed on if he'd known about it.   Roy Mustang was sitting at a borrowed desk on a borrowed swivelly chair in a borrowed office in Central, wearing his shiny new colonel's stars. He was staring miserably at an enormous stack of papers. By the end of the day, Roy was supposed to write a proposal for next year's North-East joint training. This job started with reading over a hundred pages of reports, and continued from there into an epic of tedium.

Roy's usual solution to epics of tedium was to delegate, delegate, delegate. Right now, he only had Riza here with him in Central though, and if Roy wanted to celebrate his promotion with her tonight, he had to watch how much shitwork he gave her. Even if she was better at it than he was.   Until today, this would have been Lieutenant General Grumman's job. But now, with his promotion, about 85% of Grumman's job had apparently become Roy's job. Roy had previously been under the impression that being a colonel at East Headquarters would be roughly like being a lieutenant colonel - only with more respect from the brass, more fear from the rank and file, and more staff to spread the work around. It seemed he'd been misled. Damn Grumman for being so cunning, pushing this promotion through so he could spend his afternoons polishing that weird foreign statuette collection and trying to get within pinching distance of Lieutenant Catalina's ass.   The day had started off so nicely too: got some new pips, a handshake from the Fuhrer, and a bunch of rotten stares from various rotten old bastards on the brass who were clearly miffed at the idea of a twenty-six year old colonel. That had all been nice. His shiny new in-tray looming in the corner of his desk? Not so nice. Dammit.   Roy pulled a handful of grapes from the huge congratulatory fruit basket on one side of his desk, and tried to think of a five minute task that would help put off getting down to this grinding ball-ache of a working day. Who had sent this thing, anyway? There wasn't a note. That ruled out his mother, who would have attached an annoying coded message telling him to get off his butt and take over the country already. Maybe ...   The phone on Roy's desk started ringing. A distraction! Excellent.

"Mustang," he said into the receiver.

On the other end of the line, a very familiar voice drawled, "Shouldn't you say, 'Colonel Mustang, youngest hotshot bigwig of Amestris?' "

Roy sighed.

"So, how's the first day been?" asked Hughes, stretching out his words. Roy would bet that he was twirling the phone cord.

"I'm looking at a stack of paper in my in-tray that goes higher than my head." It may have been a slight exaggeration; but if your best friend can't give you some sympathy in these situations, who can? He certainly wasn't relying on Riza feeling sorry for him.

"That's what subordinates are for," said Hughes with an air of great cheer. "You're good at passing the buck, so this should be a piece of cake."

Roy had only one member of staff here, as Maes well knew. "I've passed about as much buck as I can. Unless you're volunteering?"

"Hell no. I've got enough stuff pawned off to mine already," Maes said laughingly. "How's Hawkeye dealing with being in Central? How about you? Do you miss East City?"

"I miss having a whole office of staff to spread this annoying work around."

Maes' tone was suddenly surprisingly serious. "You'll have your minions with you soon enough. In the meantime, a leader has to show he's capable. How long do you reckon before you're transferred to Central? I give it eight months tops. Hero of Ishbal rising through the ranks like you can't hide in East City forever."

"Ah, that'd annoy a few people. I've seen enough angry little faces already at seeing me promoted again ..." Actually, Roy rather liked the thought of the angry little faces.

From her desk on the other side of the room, Riza made an audible tutting noise.

"There's nothing quite like your angry little face, though," said Maes in a mock-serious tone.

Roy, who was indeed now wearing an angry little face, looked at his watch and made an irritated noise. "Aren't there other people who need to use that phone, Hughes?"

"I can just picture it now," Maes continued happily, "all pouty and grumpy. It's a wonder people take you seriously with your little baby face. It's no surprise people are pissed at the new rank."

Roy pouted. Grumpily. "At least I'm secure enough that I don't have to assert my masculinity by growing half a beard."

Maes laughed. "You couldn't even grow half a beard if you wanted to. At least you get to save on razor blades?"

"I shave! I just shave properly. I'm not sure what your complaint is, exactly - I'm too pretty? I didn't realise this was a problem."

"It's not a problem for me," said Maes, sounding a little husky.

"I didn't think so." Roy smirked and swivelled in his chair - and tried to ignore the irritation emanating from Riza's corner of the room.

Hughes lowered his voice, and a goofy, giggly tone crept into it. "Did you get my gift?"

Roy eyed the fruit basket. It seemed Maes was in one of those moods. Terrific. "That wouldn't be the giant fruit explosion on my desk, would it?"

"Isn't it great? It was Gracia's idea - she figured with the new promotion you'd be busy and surviving on late-night takeaway." Ah, here it came. "She's really the greatest - you're never gonna find a woman as wonderful as her - " Roy coughed pointedly. Hughes spluttered and began backpedalling hastily. "Not that Riza isn't great! She's a very thoughtful lady too - but ah, they broke the mold when they made Gracia. It's almost unfair, really."

Roy looked at his watch, and decided it was best to strike early. "So, are you calling specifically to witter on about your wife, or was there another reason? I am going to see you this evening, you know - if I can get through this mountain of work."

"I never witter! But yes, I was calling to make sure you hadn't forgotten about our plans tonight. It's not every day our wittle Woy Boy get a big pwa-mo-shin." Roy rolled his eyes at the sudden switch to irritating baby talk. Hughes' tone switched back to businesslike. "Dinner reservation is for 6:00. Gracia packed some civvies for us both in case we got stuck working late and had to go straight to - she really does think of everything. Isn't she just amazing?"

There was a pause. This is where Roy was supposed to acknowledge how fantastic Gracia was. Roy leaned his temple onto the knuckles of one hand, and started examining the nails of the other hand.

"Yes, yes. That wouldn't be one of your awful shirts, would it? Anyway, I've got my grey suit here, I can change before I head out." The grey suit was a closely-tailored three piece that fit Roy like a glove. Mention of it at this point in conversation was completely deliberate.

" _That_ grey suit, huh? You know I like it when you wear that."

As usual, Hughes didn't seem much fettered by the fact that he was speaking on a military line. Roy looked around the office, feeling slightly twitchy. At least at this end he was alone apart from Riza.

Maes attempted a purr. "Want me to come over now? I do want to see you with your stars."

If Roy was in a better mood right now, he would be so amused by the dumb, supposedly sexy voice. But as it was -

"If you want to see me with my stars, then stop wasting my working day and let me get through this pile of crap. You wouldn't want me to be held up this evening, right?"

"Well, I suppose that depends on who's doing the holding and where. You're heavier than you look, you know." Maes chuckled away from receiver all muffled as if covering his mouth with his hand - or was he covering the phone? "Remember that time at the Dorchester?" Maes' voice took on a dreamy tone. "Good times, good times. I was tempted to get a room there for after the show tonight. Think it's not too late? I'm sure the girls wouldn't mind."

Wait, was Maes actually broaching _this_ subject at a switchboard phone? Roy pictured a cluster of curious switchboard operators listening in on the conversation. Then he began involuntarily to picture edited highlights of that night at the Dorchester. Goddammit, this was _not_ helping him work.

"Yes, yes, sounds fine. Why don't you _go off and do that right now_ so I can _get on with this stack of work_ and actually get to leave the office today?"

"But I wanted to talk to you on your big day. It's exciting!"

Hughes sounded genuinely disappointed. Roy felt a little as though he'd kicked a puppy. "I think I might feel more celebratory when I'm - actually celebrating, though." He raised his voice and looked over at Riza. "Not that writing this training proposal isn't a wonderful welcome to my new rank, Lieutenant."

Riza ignored him completely and carried on working: her way of telling him he should do the same.

"How much work do you have left, anyway?" Hughes lowered his voice a little. "Think we can get an early start on the, ah, celebrating?" Roy imagined him on the other end of the line, very probably doing the exaggerated secrecy pose: shielding the phone, hunched shoulders, cupped hand over receiver, back-and-forth shifty eyes look. Sometimes Roy really wondered how this man managed to plot treason with him and keep it covered up.

Still, a potential office quickie was a potential office quickie. And there was no way he'd be getting one of those out of Riza today. She had a general policy of refusing to incentivise him with sex to do boring tasks. She generally preferred the stick to the carrot. Roy rather liked the stick sometimes - he'd just rather have it in the bedroom than at work.

" _If_ I get this proposal done," said Roy, attempting to be firm, " _then_ I'll be free to - toast my promotion. With you."

"Excellent. How long do you reckon you'll need for your _proposal_?" A whiny tone crept into Maes' voice.

"All day," Roy snapped. Then he added, a little more warmly, "I think I should be able to get this done by 4:30. If I can get to it."

What this actually meant was that Roy had at least two hours' solid procrastination ahead of him, after which he'd tear through the task in an irritable, sweary rush. Of course, the deadline imposed by the potential 4:30 quickie would be great motivation for him. Roy congratulated himself on accepting it - particularly since it would make excellent evidence to show to Riza that promises of office sex did indeed increase his efficiency.

"Really?" said Maes with unnecessary sarcasm. "I guess that's why you get to be on top - since you're the one that gets things done." He snickered.

"That's right," said Roy, a little smugly. "You should know my reputation for delivering the goods is well-founded."

"So I'll come 'round yours at 4:30 then. You're in Brenner's old office, right?"

"Yes, that's the one. Oh, and by the way, shouldn't you be calling me, 'sir'?"

"I probably should be - Sir." On the last word, Hughes broke out into ringing laughter.

Roy's pride was piqued. "Taking that tone with a superior officer, Lieutenant Colonel?"

Maes' voice was suddenly further away. Roy heard him say brusquely, "Of course this is official military business -" Then, with a rustle, he was back on the line and his tone had shifted from serious back to extremely silly. "Yes, I am taking that tone. What do you reckon you'll do about it, Sir?" Another rustle and he was saying distantly to the unknown person, "I wouldn't be in Investigations for nothing -"

"I'll certainly have to do something about this unwarranted cheek." Roy smirked and fiddled with his fountain pen. "I'm sure I can come up with something - appropriate - between now and 4:30."

Maes chuckled. "I'm sure you can." Then a rustle told Roy that he was covering the mouthpiece, and in the background he heard Hughes making unconvincing promises that he'd be done on the phone any second now. Then he was back, cheerful as ever.

Maes breathed out heavily into the phone. "Man, what does a guy have to do to get a phone in his own office?"

"Not antagonise fellow officers by hogging the switchboard?" Roy was emphatically pleased to have got Maes riled up. Good. If Roy had to suffer today, he could too.

"There's more than one phone. Not like I'm holding anyone up or anything." Apart from Roy, that was. He couldn't decide if Maes was totally oblivious or deliberately trying to annoy him.

Roy cleared his throat. "Anyway, as I was saying, Hughes, I have this massive pile of work which I was hoping to get done by 4:30, but it's being made difficult by someone incessantly rambling on the phone to me." He was itching just to say something pithy and slam the phone down, but he really didn't want to talk himself out of this potential office quickie.

"You're right, I wouldn't want to keep you from your shit work all day. Perks of the title?" Maes gloated. "I don't think I'll ever grow tired of this."

"The perks of the title include that I can now order you to stop bugging me and get on with your own job, Lieutenant Colonel," Roy responded acidly.

"Me? Bug you? Now why would I wanna do that?"

"I have absolutely no idea, Lieutenant Colonel. I would have thought you'd want to get into my good books right now," Roy leered.

"Are you implying I'm in your bad books?"

"That all depends if you _get off the phone_ and _let me get on with my work_. Don't expect the Lieutenant to have any mercy on me if I'm not done by 4:30."

Riza acted as though she hadn't heard.

"Fine, fine", said Maes loftily. "I can take a hint. I'll let you get back to your beloved paperwork so you won't feel guilty about it later when I stop by."

"Excellent. I'll keep my conscience clean for later, then, Lieutenant Colonel."

"Glad to hear it, Colonel."

"I think you'll find the correct form of address is 'sir'."

"Is that an official reprimand, Sir?"

"That depends. Don't compound it, and I might consider keeping discipline to an informal slap on the wrist, Lieutenant Colonel."

"Oh-ho-ho. I'll be sure and do that, Sir. Wouldn't want you to hurt your little hand or anything."

"Hughes. This would be you compounding it. I'd advise you to get off the phone before you get yourself into" - Roy put a lascivious tone into his words - "even more trouble."

"Advice heeded. Sir." Maes was practically giggling now. Really, the man was fucking ridiculous. "I'll leave you to your day. See you at 4:30."

"Have a productive day, Lieutenant Colonel. Until then."

Roy hung up. His eyes flicked back to the pile of paper awaiting his attention. So: he was thoroughly irritated, he was even more behind schedule than before, and now he was going to be thinking about office sex all day too. Maes had damn well better make this good.

***

It had been a long, boring day. Maes couldn't really complain too much, since in his line of work, a boring day meant nothing bad had happened, nobody'd been killed. That was always a good thing. Still, the day had dragged on and on, and he'd had nothing to distract him from thoughts of this evening to come. Roy finally getting the big promotion was cause for celebration, and it had been a long while since they'd gotten together and ... celebrated. He didn't know how Roy and Riza did it, having to keep it all secret. At least he had Gracia. He didn't want to think about what it would be like to not have Gracia around; but enough depressing thoughts, tonight was going to be one to remember.

At 4:15, Maes left his office and tipped a nod to Armstrong, who was somehow wedged behind a desk that was three sizes too small for him. Most things were probably three sizes too small for him. Then he made his way toward Brenner's old office, where Roy had been holing himself up while all the details of his new title were squared away. It didn't take long for Maes to find himself outside the door. He knocked, then entered enthusiastically without waiting for a response. He'd been replaying their earlier conversation in his head all afternoon, and he was very much looking forward to this meeting.

Riza was shuffling some papers together into a pile at a desk in the corner. Maes tapped two fingers to his forehead and offered her a big grin. She shook her head only just barely, and Maes would swear she rolled her eyes at him. Roy was busy on the phone. Had he been yakking all day? Maes would have to give him shit for ending their phone call earlier.

Roy raised his eyes to meet Maes' as the lieutenant colonel pressed his palms to the desktop and leaned down to face him.

Roy looked at Maes blandly and raised his index finger in an annoying "just one moment" gesture as he continued talking. "Yes, General, thanks very much, it just arrived." Roy turned the champagne bottle on his desk to read the label. "1903 was a very decent vintage from what I've tasted so far ... yes, they're a very reliable marque, one of my favourites ..."

Roy was totally showing off his wine snob knowledge to the unidentified general, the big poser. Maes tutted and picked up the bottle to examine it himself. There was nothing remarkably fascinating about it, but then he wasn't a big wine buff like Roy. He put it back down and made little gabbing puppets with his hands to mock Roy as he continued to talk.

Roy shot a narrow-eyed, evil look his way. So he was getting angry with him then? This was inspiring. Maes had spent the day imagining all the ways he was going to give it to Roy tonight, but now he was starting to think it might be more fun to get Roy so riled up that he'd give it to Maes instead. It wasn't often at all that Maes got to be on the receiving end of things. Now to get Roy raring to go ...

Roy said loudly into the phone, "Ah, yes, so I've heard." Then there was fake laughter. "I wouldn't like to comment," he said as he pulled a face into the mouthpiece. The fruit basket sat invitingly to one side of Roy's borrowed desk. Now that was an idea.

Maes turned to Riza, who was now putting on her coat, a pile of internal mail envelopes hanging off the edge of her desk. She looked like she couldn't wait to get the hell out of the office.

Maes made an attempt to stand in such a way as to try and hide from her the fact that he was now slowly stroking off a banana as it sat on top of the basket on Roy's desk. He realized he was probably sucking at it; Riza had a great poker face, but it was clear from her slightly world-weary air and the way she kept her eyes fixed firmly on his face that she could totally see that he was pretending to jerk off a banana behind his back. Maes was just that good at reading people. He didn't care though, because Riza had seen him do worse and he knew that Roy would take the brunt of whatever frustration she experienced. Maes also knew that Roy quite enjoyed receiving the brunt of Riza's frustration: more reason to continue? Yes, yes it was.

Riza cleared her throat as she gathered the rest of her things. "Are you going to meet with Gracia?" Maes asked her, still sliding his circled fingers over the piece of fruit behind him.

"Yes, I thought I might meet her outside of work." She looped her bag over her shoulder and tucked her coat over her arm. "Colonel, Lieutenant Colonel. Have a good afternoon." Without giving either of them time to respond, she turned and walked out the door. Was she shaking her head as she left?

Roy's voice came into focus again. "Well, thank you again, General Raven. Yes, yes." Oh Maes hated when he laughed like that. It sounded so pompous, but then that was Roy. "Give my regards to your wife," Roy said - and looking at Maes, he silently mouthed 'and your twenty year old mistress'. After some more ringing laughter on Roy's end, it seemed the conversation was finally coming to an close. "And you, of course. Goodbye, Sir."

Roy popped the receiver back in its cradle with a satisfied air, then folded his arms and swivelled in his chair to look at Maes. Maes continued his attentions to the banana, looking Roy straight in the eye and slowing his movement down to painfully slow strokes. He grinned and cocked an eyebrow, daring Roy to say something.

Roy glared at him over his desk. Then, without breaking his little stare of doom, he dug out a key from his pocket and threw it to Maes, possibly a bit harder than necessary. Maes let it hit him in the chest, and then caught it in his free hand as it dropped. Teasingly, he asked, "And what would you like me to do with this? _Sir_."

Roy narrowed his eyes. Then he nodded at the door. "Lock it, Lieutenant Colonel."

With a wink and a very mocking salute, Maes replied, "You got it." He turned and crossed the room, promptly locking the door shut. Meanwhile, Roy had pulled a pair of mugs from his desk and was removing the foil off the top of the champagne bottle. He was still wearing a grumpy little face.

"So, a little celebratory toast? And then what?"

"All depends on your conduct," Roy sniped. He held the bottle out, ready to pop the cork. He gave Maes a dorky eyebrow wiggle.

Maes laughed brusquely. "So tell me where I stand: am I in your good books still?"

Roy popped the champagne cork, which flew over Maes' shoulder, possibly aimed deliberately close. Then he said, "A little below par." Roy grabbed one of the mugs and started pouring out the champagne all fussy-like. "If it wasn't so far from your best interests right now, I'd swear you were trying to antagonise me." The bottle overspilled in an amusingly inappropriate way.

"My best interests, huh?" Maes sat on the edge of Roy's borrowed desk. "Wouldn't want to chance anything."

Roy put on his doomface and held out a mug full of wine for Maes to take. Roy was so going to give it to him good. It'd been too long since Maes had taken it - and with the new rank, the prospect of this was even more inviting. Maes took the cup, and Roy raised his own, ready to clink glasses. Maes touched his mug to Roy's in cheers and drank, Roy following suit. Roy's grumpy little face glared at him over the mug as they each drank. He was nearly there, just a little more pushing.

Roy's expression then softened into something more contemplative. "Aren't you supposed to be proposing a toast?"

"Ah, yes." Maes lifted his mug again and held it out. "To Roy Mustang: may his pert ass continue climbing the ranks and looking good in his uniform while doing it. Because no one wants a fuhrer with a less-than-pert ass. Helps with the popular vote."

Roy snorted and clinked his mug to Maes' again. He had moved to the front of the desk during Maes's toast, which he actually seemed to take as flattering rather than annoying, and was leaning his butt against the edge.

"So, what do you think of me in my stars?"

Maes drank more champagne, then rested his mug against his thigh. With his other hand, he reached out and brushed his fingers over Roy's shoulder lapel. "I like it. You look all official." Then he lowered his voice a tad and threaded his fingers into Roy's hair. "Makes me want to do all kinds of things to you."

Roy tilted his head up and flashed an inviting smirk, inching his legs apart slightly. So much for subtlety. It seemed Maes still had a bit of work to do before Roy would bend _him_ over the desk. Maes was determined to get a good fuck out of this before they met up with the girls. Roy had a tendency to be the bottom once Riza was around, which was fine most of the time, but right now Maes wanted something different.

Maes leaned forward a bit as if to kiss him, then turned his head away at the last moment and placed his mug down. Removing his hand from Roy's hair, he reached for the banana on top of the fruit basket behind him. "All sorts of things," Maes whispered. He ran his tongue along the outer curve of the fruit, keeping deliberate eye contact with Roy.

Roy seemed irritated, which was a step in the right direction. Something flashed in his dark eyes, and in one quick move Roy hopped up on the edge of the desk and pulled Maes against him so that he was now standing between Roy's legs. That was another step.

Maes wrapped his lips around the banana and slowly took it into his mouth. It was hard not to smile at Roy's angry face. He didn't have to fight the impulse for long though: Roy growled and plucked the banana out of his hands. Maes made a half-hearted attempt to dodge, but let Roy grab it from him.

Roy shook his head, grinning, and put the banana on the desk. He fisted a hand in Maes' hair and pulled him down into a hard kiss. This was more like it. They kissed each other hungrily, pawing and grabbing at the other. They fell onto the desk on top of each other, pulling each other close. Maes dropped kisses along Roy's jawline. Roy arched up into him.

Then Maes pulled back and stood up, leaning over the desk and giving Roy the best leer he could muster. "I've never given it to such a high ranking officer before. You'll have to let me know how I do."

"I'll be sure to review your performance." Roy was breathing hard now. "So, desk or couch?"

Maes made a theatrical thinking face, complete with hand on chin. "The desk - it'll be more ironic that I get to own you and your new title."

"Own?" Roy asked, an evil glint in his eye. He was brushing his fingers across the front of Maes' pants, annoyingly lightly.

"Yeah, own." He pushed Roy back against the desk, untucked his shirt and pushed his hands underneath, raking his fingers up Roy's sides. He leaned in to rub his cheek against Roy's - Roy _hated_ his scratchy beard - and then started kissing and sucking at Roy's neck. The neck was one of Roy's weak points, and Maes had no qualms about playing it. "So what do you say, Roy Boy?"

"Don't call me that," Roy said, a grumpy tone creeping into his voice.

"Call you what, _Sir_?" Maes grinned against Roy's skin.

"That's an improvement." Roy pulled Maes down to the desk beside him and moulded himself to his side. In his ear, Roy whispered, "Now, get that disrespectful tone out of your voice."

Maes congratulated himself on a job well done. Things were about to get very, very hot in here. He tilted his face toward Roy and said under his breath, "Make me."

"All right."

In the blink of an eye, Roy had risen up around Maes, pushing him into the desk with his momentum. Even though he was hoping for this and half-expecting it, Roy still managed to take him by surprise, at least a little. Maes tried not to make it too obvious he was wanting this by offering a bit of resistance. And possibly a bit of snark.

"Is this that wrist slap you've been threatening me with?" He pushed back against the desk, hoping Roy would take the bait.

Roy bore down on him, grabbing one of his arms and pinning it up behind his back - not too hard, but hard enough that Maes knew he meant business. He was grinding himself against Maes' ass as he leaned over him. "Something like that." Maes managed to sneak a look behind him to see Roy grinning from ear to ear. Shit, that was hot.

"I see," said Maes as he wiggled his hips and pushed back against Roy. There was something incredibly sexy about subjugating oneself from time to time, which was part of the reason he loved it when Roy would push him around like this. Gracia could be bossy in the bedroom at times, but she wasn't strong enough to dominate him like this.

Roy tightened his grip on Maes' arm as he pushed him further into the desktop. He was trying to undo Maes' pants. It was all a little awkward, given the angle and that he only had one hand free. Maes tried to assist by shifting his hips appropriately, but it still took a little finagling to get them down around his ankles.

Maes was about to make a comment, but then Roy shoved his knee between his legs and roughly pushed them apart. Maes made a few undignified moaning noises, both out of surprise and from the anticipation. The latter was one of his favorite parts of this game: waiting to see what Roy would do, waiting to _feel_ what Roy would do, just waiting and not knowing. Roy seemed to be fumbling about for something, but Maes was enjoying the way his weight pressed against him as he fumbled, so he said nothing.

When Roy released his arm and shifted toward one side of his hips, Maes might have stood up or made to move, except there was now a cool, slick finger sliding between his ass cheeks. Maes arched his back to angle his ass up more and made some appreciative moans under his breath. Roy was hard against him, which was very, very arousing. Maes wanted to feel more of him, but didn't want to seem too eager. This whole thing could fall apart if he pushed the wrong buttons here. He decided to stay quiet for once and see what Roy would do without prodding.

Roy snorted a little. If his harsh breathing was any indication, it seemed he was way into things.

Carefully, Roy pushed his finger inward and entered him. Maes bit back a breath as Roy started working him, stretching him for more. It seemed Roy was just as eager as he was. He tried to push Roy further inside of him by moving his hips back, but it was tough to do since Roy had him pretty well secured against the desk. This dull burn was intoxicating, and he wanted more of it.

Laughing, Roy added a second finger and started curling them forward and searching. Fuck, it was hard to think when Roy did that. Maes reached around to take hold of his own cock - rubbing it on the desk wasn't doing much for him, frankly. He could hear Roy moaning behind him. They were both clearly wanting more.

Choking out the words between moaning, Maes asked mockingly, "Is that all you've got?"

Roy was such an easy mark. He immediately slipped another finger inside of him, and started giving it to Maes a bit harder. His knees buckled a bit. His legs were starting to shake, partly from the sensations, partly from the anticipation of more. Roy was very hard and was making sure Maes knew it. He was rubbing against Maes' hip hard; it seemed he was pretty damn impatient himself.

"There," Roy said panting. "That's a more appropriate attitude, isn't it?" He leaned into Maes' ear, or as close as he could get being so much shorter. "Want some more, Lieutenant Colonel?"

Maes grinned into the desk. "Yes, Sir."

Roy whispered behind him. "Nice of Gracia to send that fruit basket."

What did that have to do with anything? Maes was starting to wonder when Roy was going to get to the actual fucking. As the thought came to him, Roy's fingers all disappeared and there was a rustle of activity behind him. Before Maes could protest, Roy started poking in front of his nose a banana with a lube-slicked condom rolled over it, cackling like a goober as he did so.

A few short moments went by. At first, Maes wasn't even really sure what he was seeing. Roy's goober cackling was unnerving, though. It usually accompanied one of his "brilliant" schemes.

Then it hit Maes like a brick: Roy planned to do him with the banana. Roy was into weird stuff, sure, but this seemed a little too weird. Maybe.

"And just what do you think you're going to do with that?" he questioned.

"You seemed keen enough to pleasure a banana about five minutes ago."

 _That I did._ Was Roy joking about this? The insane cackling and continued pressure at his hip told Maes he actually might be serious. This wouldn't be the first time Maes let him stick something different in there, though the fact that it was a piece of fruit was still sort of strange. But then what was so strange about a banana in light of their whole relationship? Gracia always said he needed to be more open-minded about these types of things. It had been her idea to open up the bedroom to Roy and Riza in the first place, and she'd been right about that.

"So what does the banana get out of this?"

"A chance to get to know you better?"

Roy put the banana on the table in front of Maes and moved his hand back to stroke Maes' cock in an unsubtle attempt to make him a bit more receptive to this. Maes had been trying to come up with a remark, but Roy's efforts to make him more receptive were proving successful. He decided he was cool with it so long as Roy kept doing what he was doing - which he was.

Maes teased, "But won't you be jealous?"

Roy leaned further forward in what might have been an attempt to reach his neck and kissed Maes' shoulder blades through his uniform. "If it comes to blows, I expect I'll win."

Maes glanced up at the banana with its condom as it laid on the desk in front of him. Surprisingly, or maybe not so much if this past year was anything to go by, he found himself wanting it. Roy's teasing strokes and gentle weight on his back were slowly starting to make him come undone. Right now, Maes needed whatever Roy wanted to give. This was nuts.

"I've always liked banana nut bread." Let Roy process _that_.

Roy started laughing that giddy, dork laughter of his. Oh boy, what was Maes getting himself into here? Roy took the banana in hand and repositioned himself behind Maes so that he could lean over and look him in the eye as he worked. Predictably, Roy was wearing a smirk wider than his whole face. Roy's goober grin was sort of infectious though, and it wasn't long before Maes could feel himself grinning back just as wide.

Roy let out a conspiratorial little snicker and moved in to scrape his teeth along Maes's throat - and oh, hang on, Roy was now teasing Maes' entrance with the tip of the banana while snickering unabashedly. Maes tried not to tense up too much as Roy pushed it inward. The part of his brain that wanted kinky sex was currently battling the part of his brain that said it was messed up. Kinky sex was quickly winning out.

Roy seemed to pick up on Maes' tension as he stopped giggling and leaned forward to kiss his back again. Then he reached his hand around to start slowly stroking Maes' cock. Maes made some unintelligible moaning noises and moved his hips a bit, trying to satisfy his building need. He reached down to help Roy stroke him off, but Roy swatted his hand away. Clearly he wanted to be in charge of this.

"So that was the-" Maes drew in a breath. Man, that was a big banana. "-Wrist slap?"

Laughingly, Roy asked, "Learning your lesson?" as he continued stroking and applying slow pressure behind him.

"What do you think?" Maes wrapped his own hand over Roy's and encouraged him to stroke harder.

"Still too much attitude."

Maes had reached that point where he was no longer thinking about anything other than the sensations he was experiencing: Roy's weight pressing on his back, Roy's hand sliding over his cock, the burning pressure of his ass being stretched. He was losing himself to it all.

Without any warning, Roy stopped everything. Maes started coming back to himself then, and it seemed Roy was feeling around Maes' entrance with his fingers for some reason. Maes was coming further and further down, and was about to ask him what the hell he was doing when suddenly he started pressing forward again. How much of that banana was inside of him anyway? It was hard to tell since he could only really feel it at his entrance. The rest wasn't offering much resistance.

He could feel Roy's breath hot and wet through his jacket, and soon all his questions evaporated from his mind. Roy picked up the pace, and was pressing himself into Maes' hip, hard. Maes pressed back against him to offer him something. Roy was moaning a little, but then so was he. Maes was trying not to be too loud, but it was getting more difficult the more forceful Roy's attentions became. He could still feel the banana inside of him, but it seemed Roy had stopped pushing it in now and was just holding it while they did an awkward jerk and thrust dance over the desktop.

At Roy's thrusts, Maes took the hand that wasn't pumping his own cock and started to fish for Roy's fly. He turned his head to the side to try and get a look at what he was doing. He was fumbling and his movements were jerky - he was getting close now. He had to try and get Roy off first, otherwise Roy's ego would explode.

As Maes' hand kept brushing over Roy's crotch, Roy made a very needy sound. Then he took his hand away from the banana and helped to unzip himself and get his dick out. Maes started to stroke him, but the angle was pretty terrible and he had no leverage. He let go of his own cock and left it to Roy in order to grab the edge of the desk and try to steady himself. He did his best to pleasure Roy while thrusting his hips forward into Roy's hand and then back into Roy's other hand, but it wasn't easy. Roy made an appreciative moan at the effort though, so he kept it up.

Roy thrust into Maes' hand as he carried on pumping Maes' cock, nuzzling Maes' back and making more noises. Maes' whole body was shaking, and he was starting to see that the likelihood of him getting Roy off first was slim to none. Roy's hand was back on his ass and he pushed back to make full contact - if he was going to come, he might as well enjoy it and then see to Roy properly. He had just about enough cognitive ability left to recognize and appreciate how awkward it all was, but eh, who cared? It felt awesome, and Roy seemed like he was having a good time too.

That was about the extent of Maes' thinking at this point.

He was getting closer and closer to the edge - it was all he could do to keep on jerking his hips into Roy's hands. His grip on Roy was solid, but he could barely move his wrist anymore. It was hard enough just to hold it steady. Roy's movements were getting jerky and arrhythmic, and he was shaking hard. He rubbed his face into Maes' back and choked out some incoherent words.

It seemed they were both right on the edge, shaking and thrusting and just barely managing to stay upright. Roy pressed his face further into Maes' back while Maes mirrored the action against the desk, pressing his glasses into his face painfully. He thrust a few more times, and then he went over with a loud grunt. Fuck.

After he started to come back down a bit, Maes realized Roy was still trying to get some. Maes pushed himself up off the desk slowly and shifted his grip to better stroke off Roy, his ass relaxing as the pressure of the banana subsided - woah, wait a minute here -

Roy, meanwhile, was totally and utterly oblivious. He was clutching at Maes and thrusting hard into his hand, his face scrunched up into that adorably intense sex face of his. Maes, however, was caught in that space between obliviousness and full blown panic. He noticed that Roy was clutching at him with both hands. Wasn't he supposed to be holding onto a certain piece of fruit? Maes didn't remember him pulling it out ... He could see Roy was close, and the obliging part of his brain automatically kept a firm grip on Roy's cock as Roy tried to finish, but the creeping sensation that shit was about to hit the fan grew more and more prevalent in his mind, and he was losing focus on Roy pretty quickly.

Maes stood stock still and absently ran a hand over Roy's head as he tried to keep himself from freaking out. There was a banana. In his ass. As in, _in_ his ass. He couldn't feel any part of it on the outside now that he was standing. Shit. Apparently still oblivious to it all, Roy buried his face deep into Maes' jacket and called out incoherently. Maes squeezed Roy's cock out of some reflexive response to the other man's cries, but was only milliseconds from being truly horrified. A few moments later, Roy went off with a final hard thrust of his hips and a muffled shout.

Maes tensed all over and looked down at him. He couldn't quite focus on Roy's face, but rather at some obscure point behind him. "Roy? You can get this out, right?"

"Mmm?" Roy had draped himself against Maes' chest and was looking up at him rather dopily - he didn't seem to have registered the question at all.

He grabbed Roy's shoulders and forced him to stand straight and look Maes in the eye. "Roy. The banana. You can get it out now, right?" He wanted to shake that dopey, sex-hazed grin off of his face.

"Banana?" The grin faded, but only a little. "Oh, the banana." Then he laughed. Maes couldn't say what exactly was funny about this. Roy continued in a mocking tone, clearly failing to grasp the gravity of the situation, "Okay. Calm down, Hughes, it's not going anywhere."

"Oh I think it's already gone somewhere." He could feel its mashy self sitting inside of him - he was getting more and more nervous now. Roy's cavalier attitude was not helping him relax, either.

"All right, all right. Don't panic,"Roy said in an annoyingly patronizing tone that suggested there was nothing to be worried about and that Maes was just being silly. "I'll get it out." He put himself back into his pants, then took Maes' hip to turn him around. "Bend over."

Very gingerly, Maes bent over. He wasn't in any pain, exactly, but he was tensing up and feeling more and more uncomfortable. He was more afraid of doing something that would make it impossible to get the banana out than anything else at this point. Roy would be able to get it out, right? He had to ...

Roy's silence and lack of removing the banana only heightened Maes' building hysteria.

Finally he blurted out, "What? What is it? Why aren't you taking it out yet?"

Roy said in a much less silly tone, "Now, don't panic. It's sort of - " There was an ominous pause. "It's - a bit further in than I thought. I think you must have pulled it in or something."

"I pulled it in? You pushed it in!"

"Well, I didn't push it in that far!" Then Roy said breezily, "Don't worry, don't worry. The stalk's still sticking out."

"Well, pull it out, then! Get it out!"

"I can't get it out if you're panicking! Look, it's there, I can see it, it's fine. Just take a deep breath, okay. Try to relax."

The speech sure sounded like he knew what he was doing, but Maes knew Roy well enough to pick up the high note of tension in his voice. Maes tried to control his breathing, get a hold of himself a little. Freaking out never helped anything, he needed to stay focused here. It was just a banana. Roy could just pull it out if he relaxed, and then they could head off to meet the girls and pretend this whole thing had never happened.

One of Roy's hands was now on Maes' buttcheek pushing it apart, and the other - well, he couldn't really feel anything different, but the silence suggested Roy was doing something back there. Despite himself, Maes was tensing his ass quite a bit now. It was also quite possible that he was freaking out.

"If you could sort of - bend forward more? And maybe if you hold your butt cheeks apart? And relax, okay? I'm sure I'll have it out in a moment." It was started to sound as if Roy was babbling. Maes tried not to dwell on what that might mean.

Maes leaned forward a bit and reached back with both hands to spread his ass cheeks apart. Fuck, this was humiliating. Then he took a deep breath and let it out noisily, trying to relax all over as he exhaled.

Both Roy's hands were between Maes' butt cheeks. This might have been fun at any other time, but right now? Not so much. Roy pressed a finger inside of him, his fingernail scraping him as Roy tried to hook it round the banana. There was a bit of tugging on the stalk. This was not sexy or comfortable. Maes was so going to get even for this. Roy's silence was completely unnerving, and as time passed Maes began to seriously doubt that Roy could get this thing out of him.

"Should I like - push or anything?"

Roy made an uncertain noise in response to the question. "Maybe - just stay right there. Don't move." Roy sounded nervous." There was some more tugging and shifting, and then Roy said, "Oh."

It was totally the "oh shit" kind of "oh."

Maes did not like that "oh" one bit. He braced himself, turned to look over his shoulder, and then felt his eyes go wide. Roy was looking, almost cross-eyed, at the banana stalk and a fragment of the skin between his finger and thumb. The rest of the banana was nowhere to be seen. Roy looked up to meet his eyes. He looked about as petrified as Maes felt.

Shitshitshit fuck.

***

Well, this had certainly turned out to be a memorable evening. On the plus side, perhaps the next few weeks of celibacy enforced by the fact that Roy's lovers were now spitting mad with him would help him get lots of work done. And getting lots of work done would at least appease Riza, which … oh hell. Attempting to put a positive spin on this just wasn't working. This evening had been a disaster.

Four hours after the ill-advised office sex, Roy was driving home a painkiller-addled, half asleep Maes Hughes. The whole emergency department business had been predictably awful.

Maes had not been pleased at all at Roy's insistence on changing into his grey suit before driving to the hospital. Roy had not been pleased at Maes' refusal to change into civvies. "No one will care!" he'd whined, his mind evidently on other things than blowing their cover. In the end, Roy had just stripped him of his jacket with its identifying insignia, headed for a hospital way out in the suburbs, and hoped that no one in the emergency room would recognise that nice man from the Investigations Department.

Thanks to the complexities of emergency room bureaucracy, securing some treatment had involved having to explain five times to five separate poker-faced people exactly what the problem was. At least Roy had managed to secure the two of them a cubicle so Maes could lie on his side instead of standing awkwardly, and spare the last of his dignity by not showing the whole waiting room his ass cheeks in the hospital gown they'd made him don. And at least the dose of painkillers had dialled Maes down from barely restrained panic to crankiness and discomfort.

The long wait for a doctor had also given Roy plenty of time to telephone Gracia in order to tell her that they were running late for the theater because he'd unfortunately broken her husband.

What was possibly even worse was that once the doctor had finally arrived, the banana was out in less than five minutes. The young woman had first listened to the whole sorry tale. Roy wasn't sure if how breezily she'd taken it made the whole thing better or worse. She'd made Maes lie on his back while she did an abdominal examination, briskly ignoring his protests and the suffering looks he was shooting in Roy's direction. Then she'd snapped a glove on and cheerfully asked him if he wanted a chaperone for the next part.

It was at this point that Roy had realised that on top of everything else, he and Maes were now likely to be furnishing an amusing anecdote for whenever this doctor got together with her doctor pals to laugh about the things their idiot patients managed to do to themselves.

She'd made it look easy - a quick feel around with one finger and some cheerful instructions to breathe deep and bear down, then she'd slipped her thumb in. After a moment's tugging and a pitiful little noise from Maes, she was holding a thoroughly mashed banana still in its condom between finger and thumb. "Would you like to take this home," she'd asked, waving it, "or shall we dispose of it for you here?"

Roy had tried a bit of fake laughter. Maes just glared at him.

"The military really should start covering this in that sex hygiene lecture when they hand you boys the condoms," the doctor had said as she dropped the wretched banana into a waste bin.

Roy had felt his eyes go wide. She'd recognised Maes' uniform! This was bad. Very bad. Without the jacket and cavalry skirt, he'd been hoping she'd just assume Maes was a policeman or something. Was he going to have to bribe a doctor now too?

"Don't worry," she'd said breezily. "You're not the first and you won't be the last. We don't want to see you back here, so when you're sticking things up each others' bottoms, be sure to use something with a flared base and lots of lube. There's a very good sex aid shop just off Rivington Boulevard, would you like directions?"

They both shook their heads.

***

Maes was dozing uncomfortably in the back seat. He imagined it was uncomfortable as Maes continued to make pitiful little moaning noises occasionally, usually when Roy drove over a particularly jarring bump or dip in the road. It was a sign of Roy's guilt that he actually was trying to avoid the bumps and dips.

They hadn't spoken much since leaving the hospital, which was understandable. Still, there was that annoying urge to _say_ something, to apologize. Even though Maes had been asking for it, it kind of really sucked how it ended up, and now he was lying in the back of Roy's car all drugged up and sore. At least Roy had brought Maes' jacket out to the car when they'd left Headquarters - the temperature had dropped quite a bit and Maes was shivering beneath it. Roy could tell because in addition to the pitiful little moaning noises, he was making rather theatrical shivering sound effects. Roy sighed and said, "We're almost back to the house. I'll make you some hot tea, if you'd like."

Maes answered him with a particularly loud and pitiful moan.

"I'll take that as a 'yes' then."

Thankfully they were nearly back to the house now. Roy felt even guiltier for having dragged them to a hospital so far out in the boonies. It was stupid, as Maes had been happy to point out more than once, but he couldn't help himself. One day into his new title and already he was potentially making embarrassing headlines. He really sucked, didn't he? Maes had been happy to point that out too.

Not too long after, Roy pulled up in front of the Hughes' family home. He turned off the car and got out to open the door for Maes. Maes stumbled out on his own rather stiffly and they made their way up the walk.

Maes was tired from the drugs they've given him at the clinic and looked ready to crash. He looped Maes' long arm over his shoulders and helped support him up the walk. The house was dark save for a small light in the front window. It looked like the girls had gone ahead with the celebration plans without them after all. Roy hadn't been sure if Gracia would agree to leave Maes home like this, but it seemed Riza had managed to persuade her. That the two men had been extremely dumb and deserved a night alone was not to be thought of at this juncture.

"I'm gonna go crash on the couch. You'd better not mess up my tea," Maes threatened. There was a smile in his eyes again.

"I'll help you there first."

Maes tutted but continued to lean on him anyway. Roy lead him toward the left hallway slowly, his arm wrapped around Maes' waist and his other hand holding his friend's wrist. Roy gave it a little squeeze.

As they passed the table in the hall, Roy noticed a note laid out on the table - and there was a rather interesting paperweight holding it in place. He approached the table and realized that no, it wasn't a paperweight at all, but something quite a bit naughtier: this was a butt plug. In his defense, this was no ordinary sex toy. It was obviously artisan made, it's flared base moulded into the shape of a blooming rose. The glass was an appropriate shade of rose red, smooth and curved. It was also rather unusually large.

Maes was fingering the edges of the carved glass carefully. "Hey, what does the note say?" Roy asked.

Maes picked up the toy and squinted at the paper, pulling Roy down with him when he stooped closer to the table. "I can't - my head is killing me. Headache."

"Give it to me, then."

Maes did so and Roy let go of his wrist to take the note in hand. Oh man.

 _Boys,_

 _We decided to go on ahead to the show. No sense in letting the tickets go to waste. Speaking of which, Havoc arrived early in Central so we gave yours to him. Seems he's found a new girlfriend already. He said to thank you._

 _You may have noticed the accessory left out for you. We know that you've seen things like it before. You should try and remember to use them so things like this don't happen again - if it does happen again there's no helping either of you._

 _Don't wait up for us. Gracia was able to pick up the key for the room at the Dorchester. We'll be having a little Girls Night in celebration of Roy's new title._

 _XoXo,_

 _The Girls_


End file.
